Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Meowchelangelo
