Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.