Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You Might Also Like
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”