Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.