Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
🤔😂😂
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Worst bar ever.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.