Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.