COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
okay run it by me one more time
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Favourite diary entry ever
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
guys i’ve cracked the code
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
j o i m p
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive