Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️