Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now