Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Cat.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks