Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My beach vacation Google searches
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.