Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me