Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
You Might Also Like
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.