Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You Might Also Like
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.