Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

oh you wanna fight?!

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys