Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!