Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Terribly Tuesday.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
She was REALLY feeling it.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.