Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
i hope my email finds you on fire
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time