Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?