Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”