Autocorrect completely socks
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dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car