Autocorrect completely socks
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It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!