Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.