autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law