Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dude it’s called proctologist

who wants to go expliring

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.