autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.