Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.