Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-