Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing