@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

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@WheelTod

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

@QwertyJones3

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

@therealeatwood

Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob

@FBSisnothere

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

@CooIStepDad

[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@notalogin

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@brynnester

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me