Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?