Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.