Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
This could be us but you eatin’
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”