@JohnLyonTweets

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

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@freypalm

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

@ediblemousefeet

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

@whatmaddness

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

@spinubzilla

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

@theaaronone

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

@Cpin42

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store