Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

just having fun

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*