Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store