Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Hmmmmm
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts