Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
So, can we agree on 4 or
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home