Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
You Might Also Like
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.