Autocorrect is my menesis
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*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.