Autocorrect is my menesis
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been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic