Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Lmao
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys