Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.