Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro