“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
A date so good…
I eat 10 more.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*point rescued by Liam Neeson
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year