Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.


Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat


[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!



Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.


[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself


Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.


[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year