@Darlainky

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

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@SoVeryBritish

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@MarfSalvador

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@ADifGuy

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

@Playing_Dad

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year