Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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BRAKING NEWS!!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Blew out my flip flop…
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”