Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I just tested negative for patience.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999