13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My sex drive has a dui
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.