Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You Might Also Like
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
What.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
That’s easy for you to say
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.