Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Unimpressed
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I have taken up painting
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.