Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You Might Also Like
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Don’t we all.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.