Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
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BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
