Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no pants in heaven.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

こいつ天才

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son