Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.