Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.