Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Wolves should really raise more people.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol