Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.