Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
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My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
#growingpains
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing