Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.