Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
gentlemen, hear me out
White Castle for the Win
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.