I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.