Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy