Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The United Steaks of America
