Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.