Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.