Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Dear Lord..
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
dads on road-trips be like
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display