Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts